Succulent Diva

dreams from the inside out 2011

2011-01-21T14:43:00.000-08:00

this is my health ~

Intention: I move my body joy*fully; I grate*fully eat health*full, nourishing foods; I sleep deeply and well at night and wake feeling refreshed and pain-free; I have plenty of energy to get through the entire day without napping.

Do yoga and strength training three times per week.
Join Weight Watchers after my c-section recovery
Continue to practice loving-kindness meditation and relaxation exercises.
Use my dialectical behavior therapy skills to cope with distress and regulate my emotions.

these are my relationships:

Intention: I enjoy loving, warm relationships with my family and friends, where it is safe to communicate openly and honestly while speaking words that build, bless, and comfort

Continue to teach my daughter behaviors that will enable her to fully function and be happy as a child and into her adulthood
Write more snail mail.
Use my dialectical behavior therapy skills to communicate honestly while speaking words that build, bless, and comfort.

this is my abundance:

Intention: I enjoy abundant love, abundant resources, and abundant finances.

Build a savings
Communicate honestly
Practice loving-kindness meditation and radiate love.
Advertise for piano students.

this is my creativity/purpose:

Intention: I connect often with the divine within myself, and enjoy my creativity and my work.

Devote myself to the study of becoming a birth doula, and an independent music teacher
Get my study materials for becoming a DONA member and birth doula as soon as I can afford them and study and work hard.
Continue my track record of academic excellence as I continue my studies of business
Continue to cultivate my spirituality.

this is how i practice self-love/self-care:

Intention: It is safe to live my life in a way that is loving and caring toward myself.

Do a weekly artist date.
Practice loving-kindness meditation.
Take my medications and make sure I don't run out.
Keep working toward eating in a balanced way.
Keep working toward regular exercise.

this is how i experience happiness/adventure:

Intention: I experience happiness and adventure grate*fully, and I enjoy the present moment.

Practice mind*fullness
Practice mind*fullness
Practice mind*fullness
Stay present in the moment when I am feeling happy rather than waiting for the other shoe to drop.

love~
elizabeth

100 dreams...the 2011 version

2011-01-04T18:29:00.000-08:00

a couple of these are marked "private" because they deal with helping my in-laws with things that i don't think they'd want to see plastered on the internet. thanks in advance for your understanding :)

1. Birth a healthy baby in May.
2. Continue working on open communication in my marriage.
3. Get the rest of the seasons of Friends on DVD.
4. Continue working toward my degree.
5. Continue to maintain excellent grades.
6. Build up a savings.
6. Pay down my debt~got a start on this one; not a big start, but a start.
8. Continue to build up my marykay inventory~made progress.
9. attend a mets game at citi field~did not do this one; will be a dream for 2011
10. Practice meditation consistently
11. Read daily - and something other than a daybook!
12. Get regular manicure/pedicure
13. Go on a weekly date with my husband
14. Plan a honeymoon with my husband.
15. Get melanie potty-trained.
16. Find piano students~i have two; working on building my studio
17. Sample local finger lakes wines~goal for summer 2011.
18. Create a raised-bed garden...vegetables and herbs.
19. Learn to take great landscape photos
20. Attend celebrate your life
21. Create an indoor herb garden
22. Create a meditation spot in the back yard
23. Rebuild my collection of SARK books.
24. Give a weekly contribution to my church
25. Tithe to charities I find worthy.
26. Recover the songs i wrote that i lost on my old computer.~ work in progress.
27. Visit Aunt Kay.
28. Write a bio to accompany website and other internet postings
29. Write gratitudes daily.
30. Keep morning pages every day~also a work in progress
31. Learn photoshop.
32. Take a yoga class.
33. Attend new york football giants' training camp.
34. Attend a new york football giants' game at the new stadium
35. Invite Jess, Tressa, Earl, Gail, JoAnn, and Merideth to Marc's baptism party.
36. Send regular snail mail.
37. Become fluent in another language
38.Get all my christmas decorations up by the day after thanksgiving
39. Drink more water.
40. Memorize the gettysburg address.
41. Memorize my three favorite poems.
42. Memorize the declaration of independence,
43. Learn which constitutional amendment grants which freedom.
44. Visit a national park.
45. Finish the knit/crochet projects i started for christmas presents in 2009.
46. Take weekly spa showers.
47. Learn to sew!
48. Spend quiet time working on songwriting.
49. Write more music.
50. practice radical acceptance of myself as i am: still a work-in-progress
51. memorize the sigma alpha iota symphony.
52. Join DONA.
53. Work on becoming a certified birth doula.
54. Practice emotion regulation
55. do something everyday off the pleasant activities list.
56. create a self-soothe kit.
57. Bake all the christmas cookies i want to in time for christmas.
58. Keep trying new recipes.
59. Stay active every mary kay quarter.
60. Do a weekly artist date.
61. Keep full ink cartridges in my printer.
62. Create an image journal.
63. Establish a routine of regular exercise.
64. Crochet or knit daily.
65. Visit the corning/corelleware store in corning.
66. Stop relying on meds to help me sleep.
67. Practice keeping a positive outlook.
68.. Reconnect with ned b. fleischer.
69. Keep working on not acting out of fear
70. Keep working on not living in fear.
71. Knit a pair of socks.
72. Go back to Weight Watchers. (eight weeks after c-section)
73. Get back up to 10,000 steps per day by June 1.
74. Attend an information session for Empire State College.
75. Get dressed to hair, face, and shoes every day. (Or, stop treating life like a dress rehearsal!)
76. Work on developing a consistent homeschooling schedule with Melanie.
77. (*private*)
78. Keep exploring my feelings regarding my family.
79. Keep working on re-establishing relationships with my family.
80. Read a book about the lives and times of Catholic saints.
81. Write a positive-themed blog post at least once a week.
82. Keep percolating on the idea of "The Courage to be Thin," either as a separate blog or a non-fiction work.
83. Continue to study and practice dialectical behavior therapy.
84. Stay out of the hospital after baby Marc comes home (ie, no psychiatric hospitalization this time).
85. Read the creating dreams come true blog every Friday.
86. Write a response to the creating dreams come true blog post every week.
87. Spend time with my BFF over Christmas break.
88. Keep up my 4.0 grade-point average.
89. Walk the Simple Abundance path.
90. Use a different daybook every year. (I have about a billion.)
91. (*private*)
92. Help Mom and Dad establish a budget.
93. Stop drinking Coke.
94. Be true to myself. In all my splendidness. In all my imperfectness.
95. Read "Be Here Now," by Ram Dass.
96. Stop letting TV schedules dictate my life.
97. Give up going out to eat for Lent (other than eating on campus).
98. Get a prenatal yoga DVD.
99. Teach Melanie the Lord's Prayer and the Hail Mary.
100. Take Melanie to Catholic church with me.

love~
elizabeth

2010: a year of dreams in review

2011-01-01T10:39:00.000-08:00

as we begin 2011, i thought it might be a good idea to review the dreams list i posted earlier in the year, and create a new one for this year.

my friend andrea who is running the creative dreams come true community e-group suggested that we focus on two goals for 2011. things we can really bring to fruition. i really liked the 100 dreams approach, though, so i'm going to stick with it and see how things go.

if i were to pick two goals, it would be building a savings and birthing a healthy child in may. focusing on these two goals has helped clarify some of the other dreams on the list :)

1. get pregnant~Well, I did this one! I originally discovered I was pregnant on May 4, and miscarried a week later. Then we kept trying, and on Labor Day, September 6, discovered I was pregnant again, and this one is sticking! I'll be 21 weeks tomorrow, and the baby, which the ultrasound seems to indicate (with a 90% guess from the tech) is a boy, will be born may 10.
2. heal my marriage~still an ongoing process.
3. get the rest of the seasons of friends on dvd (or deedle-dee as melanie says)~got 3-5. Will get 6 and 7 this semester, 8 this summer, and 9-10 this fall.
4. go back to work~did not get this one done, but have gone back to school in hopes of starting my own business in 2012.
5. build up a savings~was up and down with this one. Have established a consistent saving practice. Now just need to work on not raiding it for wants.
6. pay down my debt~got a start on this one; not a big start, but a start.
7. build up my marykay inventory~made progress.
8. attend a mets game at citi field~did not do this one; will be a dream for 2011
9. move out of my in-laws' house~did not do this one; we discovered that my in-laws have more needs that require us to be on hand. If we get our Gateways funding, will do this in 2011. If not, that's OK too.
10. practice meditation consistently~still a work in progress.
11. read daily~still a work in progress
12. get regular manicure/pedicures~made progress
13. go on a weekly date with my husband~need to keep this as a goal for 2011.
14. visit a state i haven't been to yet~did not do this one, and since our focus is building our emergency fund, will not be a goal for 2011.
15. plan a honeymoon with my husband~still a dream, but a goal for further down the line
16. get melanie potty-trained~made progress here. Still working on it.
17. build etsy inventory~no longer congruent with my life goals.
18. find piano students~i have two; working on building my studio
19. sample local finger lakes wines~goal for summer 2011.
20. create a raised-bed garden...vegetables and herbs~goal for spring/summer 2011.
21. create and sing in a band (or an a-cappella octet)~more of a back-burner dream.
22. volunteer at the horseheads animal shelter~shelter was too eerie.
23. learn to take great landscape photos~still a dream.
24. create inspirational retreats~not sure this is congruent with my life goals anymore.
25. attend celebrate your life~still a dream
26. create an indoor herb garden~goal for 2011
27. create a meditation spot in the back yard~goal for 2011.
28. rebuild my collection of sark books~made progress here. Still working on it.
29. attend a sark event~still a dream, more of a back burner goal.
30. write a new book i'm thinking about. non-fic this time~can't even remember what this is.
31. give a weekly contribution to my church~getting closer. Currently giving a monthly.
32. give an annual contribution to a cause i deem worthy. Working on a list of charities that are important to me and giving a monthly contribution.
33. recover the songs i wrote that i lost on my old computer.~ work in progress.
34. visit aunt kay once a month.~need to work on this. Not sure if it's out of an actual desire to see her or of guilt. She did not sound good when I talked to her in October.
35. lead a creativity or inspiration workshop.~not sure this is congruent with my life goals anymore.
36. write a bio to accompany website and other internet postings for said creativity/inspiration workshop when i prepare it~will need something like this for my business.
37. write gratitudes daily~a work in progress.
38. keep morning pages every day~also a work in progress
39. learn photoshop~still a dream; as far as goals are concerned, more on the back burner now.
40. take a yoga class~started this and plan to re-take it in the fall; it made my morning sickness worse. Planning to purchase a prenatal yoga DVD.
41. go back to school~Done. With a 4.0 GPA!
42. attend new york football giants' training camp. Still want to do this next summer!
43. attend a new york football giants' game at the new stadium: still a dream!
44. go to lexington for final four weekend if uk makes the final four: still a dream, but won't be able to do it this year because i'll be too pregnant!
45. finish my novel: still not sure how to end either of them.
46. self-publish said novel: not congruent with my life goals.
47. win nanowrimo again.: couldn't do nano this past year with school and being pregnant. Felt completely OK with it.
48. plan a playdate with jess.: think I will invite all of them to baby Marc's baptism in June.
49. plan a playdate with tressa.
50. plan a playdate with earl.
51. plan a playdate with gail.
52. plan a playdate with joann.
53. plan a playdate with merideth.
54. get my guitar fixed: only after emergency fund is built.
55. find a local drumming circle: found one in ithaca.
56. buy a drum: only after emergency fund is built.
57. send regular snail mail: still a goal.
58. get phone service where i can call the us and canada for a flat rate: only after emergency fund is built.
59. become fluent in another language: still a dream.
60. get all my christmas decorations up by the day after thanksgiving: still a goal.
61. drink more water: work in progress and getting better at it!
62. get my pilots' license: need to lose a lot of weight first; putting this on the back burner.
63. memorize the gettysburg address: still a goal.
64. memorize my three favorite poems: did one. Need to work on the other two.
65. memorize the declaration of independence: still a goal.
66. learn which constitutional amendment grants which freedom (if i'm going to be indignant about terrorists trying to thwart the american way, i'd better at least know what the american way is, n'est-ce pas?): still a goal.
67. visit a national park: still a goal.
68. make my great-grandmother's cinnamon roll recipe: DID IT! Wasn't superb but I know I can do it now and I'll get better at it.
69. finish the knit/crochet projects i started for christmas presents for last year: still working on it!
70. take weekly spa showers: still a work in progress. Took a spa bath this morning after re-reading this.
71. learn to sew: still a goal
72. spend quiet time working on songwriting: still a goal.
73. write more music: wrote some more lyrics this year.
74. do arrangements for my octet: not sure this is congruent with my life goals anymore.
75. practice radical acceptance of myself as i am: still a work-in-progress
76. memorize the sigma alpha iota symphony: still a goal
77. join the uk alumni association: still a goal but not until our emergency fund is built.
78. join a sigma alpha iota alumnae chapter: DONE.
79. join acda: when emergency fund is built.
80. join dona: still a goal.
81. work on becoming a certified birth doula: still a goal.
82. practice emotion regulation: a work-in-progress, but daily morning pages and prayer are part of this and i've been doing that every day for about the past month.
83. do something everyday off the pleasant activities list: still a goal.
84. create a self-soothe kit: still a goal.
85. bake all the christmas cookies i want to in time for christmas: did better with this one this year; also still a goal
86. keep trying new recipes: also still a goal
87. stay active every mary kay quarter: definitely a goal this year.
88. attend mary kay seminar in dallas: a goal for 2012.
89. do a weekly artist date: still a goal.
90. keep full ink cartridges in my printer: still a goal; or get a new printer, after we build emergency fund.
91. establish an adult choir at my church: no longer congruent with my life goals.
92. create an image journal: will be doing an illustrated discovery journal for simple abundance this year, so this will be happening in 2011.
93. establish a routine of regular exercise: still a goal. Working on increasing walking and plan to do yoga 3x a week once I get the prenatal dvd.
94. crochet or knit daily: needs to be a goal.
95. visit the corning museum of glass: after emergency fund is built.
96. take anna and melanie to the strong museum in rochester: after emergency fund is built.
97. visit the corning/corelleware store in corning: still a goal.
98. try new local restaurants: after emergency fund is built.
99. stop relying on meds to help me sleep: still a goal.
100. practice keeping a positive outlook: still a goal.
101. reconnect with ned b. fleischer: still a goal.
102. rebuild my collection of sheet music: a work-in-progress, but on hold until after emergency fund is built.
103. take a glider ride at harris hill: have to lose a lot of weight first.
104. stop acting out of fear: still a work-in-progress.
105. stop living in fear: still a work-in-progress.
106. master knitting socks. (maybe wooden needles will help.): still a goal.

more later...
love~
elizabeth

an update to my previous post...

2010-11-07T14:26:00.000-08:00

well, my family and i have had it with our unitarian fellowship.

and i need to inform that i'm also the pianist there. it's my responsibility to choose preludes, offertories, and postludes for each service, and play whatever hymns are chosen by whoever is organizing the service.

twice in the past month, i played no hymns because whoever organized the service was either playing them themselves, or preferred that we do them a cappella. that's a waste of my time.

earlier this fall, i got raked over the coals for not submitting my selections for prelude, offertory, and postlude early enough or in the proper format (i haven't used caps in e-mails or any online communication in about ten years).

and then last weekend, i got yelled at for not putting melanie in the nursery. and not only did i get yelled at for it, when she said she wanted to stay with mommy and i told her i was sorry, i got a phone call from the RE coordinator telling me that i was reflecting badly on the nursery program by telling her i was sorry she had to go back there. when i explained that i was responding to her request to stay with mommy, she said, "well, do you really expect to be with her 24/7?" wtf? she's hardly with me at all during the week because i'm so busy with school. when she can see me, she wants me. when she can see me and can't have me, she gets some separation anxiety.

now long before the phone call, i had decided that melanie would stay home this sunday because i thought it best to subject her to the separation anxiety only once, when we left the house. after the phone call, i had decided that i was going to go worship at st. mary our mother, around the corner from our house. going there felt like home. it felt so good. so i'm going to go to the 8:30 mass there, and then go play at the fellowship. instead of my place of worship, it's now my workplace.

more later...

how to raise your kids right

2010-09-25T00:15:00.000-07:00

and please do not think that the title implies in any way that i'm an authority on the subject.

these may be the insane ramblings of an insomniac, allergy-infested, overtired, dehydrated, pregnant woman at 3 in the morning.

or maybe they do provide some insight. i don't know.

i attend a unitarian universalist fellowship. there's a saying that it takes all kinds to make the world go round. well, at a unitarian universalist fellowship, you find all kinds.

at our particular unitarian universalist fellowship, however, belief in any kind of a higher power other than science or nature is certainly NOT the majority.

having been raised with a strong faith tradition, i find it difficult to wrap my brain around this.

for years, i was raised to believe that madeline murray o'hare, a woman who worked tirelessly to get all reference to religion out of public communication (specifically, tv and radio), was public enemy #1 to anyone who believed in god.

i get to our UUF and find that to many of the members, she's a hero.

whether or not religious programming should be made available to people who choose to view it is a subject for another post.

what i'm writing about is raising kids unitarian.

and i'm not sure i like what i see.

we have a family in our fellowship that is a very good, upright, moral family, with two wonder*full parents, and two young (8 and 5) children who are very polite, intelligent individuals. the mom is a working artist (a real live artist! SHE's my hero!) and the dad is a philosophy professor at a local college. i consider these people my friends, have no problem either being in their home or having them in mine, and i'm glad that our children play together because their kids are so wonderful with my two year old.

however, a couple of nights ago, the dad posted on his facebook status about his son asking him some questions about god and ghosts, and the dad rejoiced when his 5-year-old son said that god was dead and praised him for being "his little nietzschean (sp?)"

this breaks my heart.

in my experience, for faith to be true, it always had to be childlike. full of wonder, innocent, trusting.

and when i hear a five year old child saying things like god is dead, it makes me wonder where the hope for the future is in unitarian universalism.

we have another family in our fellowship whose 17 year old son just went off to college. he did a sermon as kind of a coming-of-age service at the end of our "church year" (we do small group ministry in the summer, so his was the last regular service of the season). and this young man said that he searched for answers in every faith tradition he could get his hands on a book to read about and hadn't found his answers.

so i asked him where he found hope, and he said, "there isn't any."

so i asked him what gets him out of bed in the morning, and his mother, jokingly, said, "me."

while that was funny, it really didn't answer my question. it was a serious one. i'm raising a two-year-old in this faith. i'm going to be bringing a newborn into this faith. freedom to choose what you do and don't believe in sounds like a good thing, but do i really want my children to grow up in a world where god is dead and there is no hope and the only thing that gets them out of bed in the morning is me standing over them with a cattle prod?

the seven principles of unitarian universalism provide a solid moral framework for how to live your life.

* The inherent worth and dignity of every person;
* Justice, equity and compassion in human relations;
* Acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our congregations;
* A free and responsible search for truth and meaning;
* The right of conscience and the use of the democratic process within our congregations and in society at large;
* The goal of world community with peace, liberty, and justice for all;
* Respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part.

i grew up in the catholic tradition, and perhaps with the exception of "a free and responsible search for truth and meaning," and "the right of conscience and the use of the democratic process within our congregations and in society at large," the catholic church does teach that.

but the catholic church also teaches that its earthbound leader is more than human, if not equal with God. (the pope is supposedly "infallible;" um, he's still human, right?)

and currently, it further teaches that women cannot be full leaders.
that if leaders abuse children in unspeakable ways we just send them to another parish.
that doctors who perform legal, safe abortions are evil, but people who bomb abortion clinics are working for the greater good.
(while certain individual pastors speak out against these things, this is the "party line," so to speak.)

and i have a big problem teaching my daughter (and baby shrimp) that that's OK.

i still love the structure of the Mass. basically, my philosophy is, it's not God and Jesus i have a problem with. in the immortal words of rufus the prophet from kevin smith's movie dogma, "it's the shit that gets carried out in (their) name...wars, bigotry, televangelism." it's the way that people ~ FALLIBLE PEOPLE, THE POPE INCLUDED ~ pervert the overall message. any psychopath can skew the bible to support his message, but in English classes in school, we're taught to read for an overall theme. and if you read the bible, its overall theme is love.

one of the greatest things i ever heard spoken in a catholic church was not spoken by a priest. it was spoken by a campus minister with a master's in theology from berkeley. him i will mention by name: it was kevin steele. at the easter vigil, he was allowed to proclaim the gospel and give the homily, and he said, "if god is love, then the proper response to that is to live loving lives."

hmm. maybe i did find my answer after all...

more later...

lactivism

2010-09-22T14:40:00.000-07:00

apparently recently there has been a recall of similac formula. they found bugs in it. i am as grossed out about this as anybody.

but i have a lot of friends who consider themselves "lactivists;" people who are advocates for breastfeeding, and i'm really put off by their comments about this. i think it's really snotty to say things like, "just saying, but breastmilk has never been recalled."

i support breastfeeding and believe that breast milk is the best possible nutrition for a baby. but as a mother who is unable to breastfeed due to being on medications that would cross into my milk, i am offended by the insinuation that mothers who choose to formula-feed for whatever reason somehow are inferior as parents. i mean, since i am physically unable to breastfeed, i suppose i should make arrangements to abort the child i'm currently carrying and immediately be sterilized.

catch-up, part deux

2010-04-02T15:26:00.000-07:00

well, i took some of my affirmations and wrote them in my datebook. (i like that; it's a good reminder; and it will help me remember to check my calendar!!!!!) this was assignment #5.

and assignment #6 was creating space for your dreams.

we have recently gone through our bedroom and opened up a LOT of room. we got new nightstands, and my partner took some of the bookshelves and put them on top of the new nightstands. that opened up some wall space. we cleaned off the dresser. it is really starting to feel peace*full instead of cluttered in there.

the next assignment was to have some kind of adventure.

we're having one april 17 so i'll report back then :)

after that, we had "what do your creative dreams need?" week

and i think they need me to ask for what i need.

and not be willing to stop at the first no.

i had an appointment with my voc rehab counselor this past week. and i was watching this episode of the office last night where jim and pam had their baby. this one nurse wanted to take the baby to the nursery and give her a bottle because pam was having trouble getting her to latch to breastfeed and pam said, "no, please don't give her a bottle, i don't want her to have nipple confusion." the nurse actually rolled her eyes, and said very sarcastically, "oh good. you know everything." and that's how i feel like i'm being treated by my VR counselor. i went in and told her all about how happy i've been in my little fledgling studio, and how i want to start teaching musikgarten classes to round out my teaching schedule and build it up to full-time income. as soon as i mentioned there was additional training involved, she shut me down, said that they wouldn't be able to do anything to help me with that, and that they would only be able to do something related to my bachelor's degree and my marketable skills. something either in tutoring or secretarial work.

now secretarial work is all well and good. i've done it; i've even enjoyed it. however, it doesn't make every fiber of my being hum and thrum like this one-on-one teaching does. (the musikgarten will be teaching to small groups but still...)

well, i went to my group on thursday, and my group leader suggested that i contact someone higher up at voc rehab to see if i could get some more help. they have a client assistance program, so i called our regional office. i left a message and got a call back a couple hours later. the man i spoke to is going to refer my message to the appropriate person and to expect a call around tuesday to discuss what the next step might be.

i am working so hard on not being afraid to ask for what i need.

so that's the news from here on that score.

the next assignment was on commitment. andrea asked these three questions.

* are you committed to living your dreams? YES! this feels like the right path more than anything i've ever done!

* can you see a way of becoming even more committed to living your dreams? not right now, but i will write this question into my datebook and my journal and see if i can't find a way!

* do you have any commitments that are draining you? therapy and my groups drain me, but one group is finishing up in another month or so. i'm starting another one this week, which means i'll have to give up my regular thursday group. but hope*fully this one won't last too long. and besides, this is really important. i actually had a bit of a backslide last week so it's good that i'm sticking to this.

yay! i'm caught up!!!!!!!

love~
elizabeth

catching up with creative dreams come true, part 1

2010-03-28T13:05:00.001-07:00

well, the third assignment was a guided video meditation.

for my meditations, i prefer to use the rosary or basic maitri (loving-kindness) meditation.

i didn't write about it, but especially when i use the maitri meditation, i feel my consciousness expanding and opening to greater and greater possibility.

(watching the biggest loser and the ncaa men's basketball tournament help me believe that anything is possible too.)

and the fourth assignment was to create power*full, personalized affirmations.

i struggled with this.

i have tried to use affirmations in the past. and i haven't found them particularly help*full.

but i came up with these four.

i now make a full-time income from my teaching.

i willingly accept the responsibility to be a good steward of all my resources.

i love my work.

i care about my work so much that i am always willing to go the extra mile to make it even more enjoyable.

still working...

love~
elizabeth

outrage and action

2010-02-20T08:53:00.001-08:00

in describing myself, i fit into several groups that people might call "discriminated against."

i'm poor.
i have a mental illness (but the days that i let it have me are getting fewer and farther between).
i'm a woman.
(I had thought of a few more, but darned if I can remember them now).
finally, i'm fat.

there's a lot of stigma associated with three out of four of these (thank*fully, there isn't so much social stigma associated with being a woman anymore, although there is still discrimination). and lately, i'm choosing to focus on my fat and accepting myself right now as i am (doing so and potentially changing myself are not mutually exclusive). and as i do so, i'm getting mad.

film director kevin smith (clerks, mallrats, chasing amy, dogma, jersey girl, jay and silent bob strike back, clerks ii, copout) was recently asked to deboard a southwest airlines flight because of his size. i was aware that southwest had a policy that said that if a passenger needed a seat belt extender or the arm rests wouldn't come down, that the passenger would need to pay for two seats. but to allow him to be seated and then come and ask him to leave the plane is degrading. i have not flown southwest since they announced that they would be strictly enforcing this policy back in 2002 due to fear of being forced to pay for another seat when i showed up at the airport. (and i'm sure that they'd force a person to pay for a last-minute fare too.)

for some reason, i felt really outraged about this kevin smith story. it was like the last straw for me. i know that for most people, myself included, that my weight is something that is within my control. however, it didn't come on overnight, and it's not going to come off overnight. in the meantime, i'd like to be treated as a person, please. as the kevin smith story broke, on the different news sites where i read the story, some of the comments were absolutely hate*full. nobody deserves to be spoken to or about that way. they could pretty be much summed up as, "quit whining, suck it up and lose weight, fatty."

the thing is, although the physical causes of weight gain, too much calorie intake and not enough calories burned, are within our control, there are often underlying emotional and mental issues that can be crippling for overweight people. the media bombards us with messages that thinness is sooooooooooo much better than fatness. fat=worthless. fat=lazy. it's socially acceptable to say all kinds of hateful things about fat people and have it be funny. the western world HATES fat people. so it's no wonder that fat people hate themselves, then turn to food for comfort, then get fatter, then hate themselves worse and perpetuate a cycle. it takes a long time and a lot of therapy to break that cycle. those issues of self-esteem and food addiction need to be treated before an overweight or obese person can start taking off the weight. i can feel a thin person inside of me trying to get out. i starve myself. i overexercise to the point where i'm in pain for days. i drink so much water sometimes that i spend half my day in the bathroom. i deny myself the foods i love. and then i binge. and then i think, "why bother exercising?" and i switch from water to coke. and i gain weight.

it is horrifically embarrassing to...
have to tell your friend that you can't ride with them because you can't buckle your seat belt in their car.
wait in line for an amusement park ride only to find out that the safety restraints won't fit you.
try on clothes in a store where even the biggest sizes won't fit (thank god for you, lane bryant, fashion bug, and avenue, for your extended sizes! and thank god for online shopping!)
get so sweaty getting dressed after your shower that you might as well not even have bothered taking a shower in the first place.
chafe in places i'd rather not talk about, and so badly i can barely walk. and to have your partner blowdry those places after you take a shower so they don't chafe.
have to walk out of a free movie at a movie theater because i couldn't fit into the theater seats
ask a flight attendant for a seat belt extender.

not to mention that it's inconvenient to...
not be able to keep up with my friends when i walk.
not be able to take the stairs because it hurts my knees so bad.
not be able to stand up for more than about five minutes because my back hurts so bad.
not have enough energy to complete a task because i'm dragging around about two hundred pounds more than everyone else i know.

i know i'm fat. i don't need to be reminded by either well-meaning or just plain mean people of my size. and i'm sick of being the butt of jokes, even though i would participate in them and laugh at them to try to fit in. i don't need to be kept out of the running for a job. if i get a brain tumor, i deserve to be able to have an mri. i deserve not to have doctors give up on me because of my obesity. lose 30 pounds is not the cure for everything.

so from now on, you can consider me a fat activist for fat acceptance. maybe someday i'll be a thin activist for fat acceptance. but for now...

i'm joining the national association for the advancement of fat acceptance. i want to go to their conference in san francisco in august.

want to support me? don't make fat jokes.
don't admonish overweight people around you to lose weight.
if you end up next to an overweight or obese person on a bus, plane, or train, treat them kindly. they're aware that they're taking up some of your space, and they probably feel very badly about it.
support the activities of the national association for the advancement of fat acceptance, and the council on size and weight discrimination.
don't assume that an overweight person can't do what you need them to do. treat them like a regular person and ask for what you need. if they can't do it, they'll let you know.

elijah nist

2010-02-03T16:00:00.000-08:00

tomorrow on the 6:00 news here, the channel that my in-laws watch the news on is going to show an interview with the family of elijah nist.

elijah was an 8-year-old boy who lived nearby (not super close, but in my area). a couple of months ago, he passed away following complications from the h1n1 swine flu.

i plan to hole up in my room with a dvd (or deedle-dee as my daughter calls them) because just thinking about it, just typing this blog entry, i'm about to start bawling.

elijah was sick for a long time. i believe he spent at least a month in strong memorial hospital in rochester. the whole region was praying that he would pull through, and even the week before he died seemed to be showing some improvement.

in a preview for the interview, the station shows his mom saying that she misses his hugs, that he used to spontaneously just come up and hug her.

in that respect, he reminds me of my little brother.

when my brother was a little younger than that, even through that age, he would be sitting playing on the floor, and then just all of a sudden look up at one of us and tell us he loved us.

that stopped after my dad died. i miss it.

more later...
love~
elizabeth

dreams from the inside out.

2010-01-14T15:03:00.000-08:00

this is my health ~

Intention: I move my body joy*fully; I grate*fully eat health*full, nourishing foods; I sleep deeply and well at night without the use of medication and wake feeling refreshed; I have plenty of energy to get through the entire day without napping.

Go to Aquacise and yoga at least once a week each
Continue to follow the Carbohydrate Addicts' Diet with the knowledge that it is what is best for my body.
Ask my doctors about the use of Valerian vs. Ambien/Vistaril
Continue to practice loving-kindness meditation and relaxation exercises.
Use my dialectical behavior therapy skills to cope with distress and regulate my emotions.

these are my relationships:

Intention: I enjoy loving, warm relationships with my family and friends, where it is safe to communicate openly and honestly while speaking words that build, bless, and comfort

Continue to work toward couples' therapy at Family Services
Continue to teach my daughter behaviors that will enable her to fully function and be happy as a child and into her adulthood
Encourage my husband to continue his therapy without taking responsibility for his appointments
Write more snail mail.
Use my dialectical behavior therapy skills to communicate honestly while speaking words that build, bless, and comfort.

this is my abundance:

Intention: I enjoy abundant love, abundant resources, and abundant finances.

Look for a part-time job
Build a savings
Communicate honestly
Practice loving-kindness meditation and radiate love.
Advertise for piano students.

this is my creativity/purpose:

Intention: I connect often with the divine within myself, and enjoy my creativity and my work.

Develop creativity and inspirational workshops.
Devote myself to the study of becoming a birth doula, nursing, and midwifery.
Write a creativity and inspirational workshop to be presented at the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship this summer.
Get my study materials for becoming a DONA member and birth doula as soon as I can afford them and study and work hard.
Begin my classes for nursing in June.
Continue to cultivate my spirituality.

this is how i practice self-love/self-care:

Intention: It is safe to live my life in a way that is loving and caring toward myself.

Do a weekly artist date.
Practice loving-kindness meditation.
Take my medications and make sure I don't run out.
Keep working toward eating in a balanced way.
Keep working toward regular exercise.

this is how i experience happiness/adventure:

Intention: I experience happiness and adventure grate*fully, and I enjoy the present moment.

Practice mind*fullness
Practice mind*fullness
Practice mind*fullness
Stay present in the moment when I am feeling happy rather than waiting for the other shoe to drop.

meditation practice

2010-01-14T08:14:00.000-08:00

well, one of the things on my 100+ dream list that i did two weeks ago was develop a consistent meditation practice.

now i'm sure that someone i know told me about this long long ago because she actually changed her name to this. but i'm not really GETTING it until now.

i went on my library website and put every book i could find about meditation and mind*fullness on hold. i actually got a snippy message from the library.

"elizabeth, you have thirteen books on hold here at the library and we don't have an abundance of room on our shelves to keep that many books for one person so would you please come pick them up?"

but then when i did go to pick them up they said that i was not the first one that had gone buck nutty putting books on hold on their websight before. so then i felt better.

anyway, one of the books is about loving-kindness, or maitri, meditation. and i actually have a friend who changed her name to maitri, so i know she has told me and the online community in which i met her about it before.

but i actually started it practicing it last night and it actually works for me.

it decreases my anxiety.

it helps me feel more relaxed.

i still did have some insomnia last night and got up after trying to fall asleep for a while. but usually when i get up i'm up for hours. last night i was only up for about 30 minutes.

so it's working.

and it just makes me feel so...GOOD.

full of love...and kindness. go figure, since it's loving-kindness meditation and all...

more later and this week's assignment percolating~
elizabeth

Dreams Come True

2010-01-08T19:28:00.000-08:00

So this week, our assignment was to think about and record dreams that have come true in our lives. Thinking about it, the fulfillment of one small dream influenced all the other dreams I ever had.

The first thing that came to my mind was I got married and had a family.
I got into and graduated from college.
When I was little, my big dream was to become an opera singer.

And there were a lot of little dreams along the way, stepping stones along the way to the big dream of becoming an opera singer.
Auditions I would succeed at, etc.

I got into the summer rec productions of Grease and the Music Man in high school (The Music Man, to this day, remains my favorite musical).

I got into select chorus in high school.

And then, I got into a show called Melodies of Christmas my sophomore year in high school. The show is performed by the Empire State Youth Orchestra and Empire State Youth Chorale (I was in Chorale). I had always admired the show, a fundraiser for the pediatric oncology unit at the Albany Medical Center. I had always wanted to go see it. And it was broadcast on local TV!

I remember getting the letter and screaming and jumping around the post office. It was the day of our homecoming pep rally.

And when I really think back about it, that one dream come true is the one that most greatly influenced my life!

It was there that I met my best friend, and my daughter's godmother.

It was there that I found out about the New York State Summer School of the Arts, and when my voice teacher brought the auditions to my attention, I immediately applied, auditioned, and, the summer after my junior year, was accepted.

Once I got into NYSSSA, things really started happening.

I met a professor there named Everett McCorvey, and was immediately greatly impressed by him. He was so knowledgeable, and had such enthusiasm, and had such great rapport with us kids. In a panel discussion that the instructors did on careers in music, I found out that Dr. McCorvey had done his training at the University of Alabama.

Well, I raved about him to my parents.

My dad said, "Did you say he went to the University of Alabama?"

I said, "Yes."

He said, "Well, get back down there and find out if he knew your Uncle Bill!"

Uncle Bill was my father's first wife's uncle, the youngest brother of my third grandma, Grandma Topley. Uncle Bill and his wife, Aunt Belle, had been to visit us several times in my youth when they were up from Tuscaloosa. Uncle Bill had been the head of the music department at Alabama for many, many years.

So I asked Doc if he had known Uncle Bill, and he said, "You know Bill Steven?"

"He was my great-uncle," I said.

Turns out it was Bill Steven who had convinced a young Everett McCorvey to change his major from baritone horn to voice.

Dr. McCorvey was now on the faculty at the University of Kentucky.

Not 30 days after I got home from NYSSSA, I had a huge packet of information from UK. "Dr. Everett McCorvey, with whom you studied at the New York State Summer School of the Arts, recommended that we send you this information," the cover letter said.

That fall, I made a list of schools I wanted to audition for.

"Where is that Dr. McCorvey?" my father asked me. "I liked him."

"The University of Kentucky," I said.

"You should put that on your list. You gotta go where you got the in's," he said.

So I put UK on my list, along with six other schools. My parents said I had to narrow it down to five. So I crossed out the one with the highest application fee and the one with the strictest audition requirements.

UK made the short list.

And, as Dad and I traveled to my different audition sites we were gradually narrowing down the list.

Hartt and Crane, I didn't get enough financial aid.
Shenandoah, the auditions were so disorganized, I was thoroughly disgusted.
Eastman, I didn't get in (but I didn't like it once I got there anyway; I know that sounds like sour grapes, but I really didn't feel like I fit in there).

So in a way, the decision was made for me. Kentucky, it was.

And I fell in love with Lexington, so, several years after I graduated, I moved back.

And it was there that I met my husband, who gave me my child...

100 dreams...haha, i've got it!!!!! and then some!

2010-01-02T19:50:00.000-08:00

1. get pregnant
2. heal my marriage.
3. get the rest of the seasons of friends on dvd (or deedle-dee as melanie says).
4. go back to work.
5. build up a savings.
6. pay down my debt.
7. build up my marykay inventory.
8. attend a mets game at citi field.
9. move out of my in-laws' house.
10. practice meditation consistently.
11. read daily.
12. get regular manicure/pedicures.
13. go on a weekly date with my husband.
14. visit a state i haven't been to yet.
15. plan a honeymoon with my husband.
16. get melanie potty-trained.
17. build etsy inventory.
18. find piano students.
19. sample local finger lakes wines.
20. create a raised-bed garden...vegetables and herbs.
21. create and sing in a band (or an a-cappella octet).
22. volunteer at the horseheads animal shelter.
23. learn to take great landscape photos.
24. create inspirational retreats.
25. attend celebrate your life.
26. create an indoor herb garden.
27. create a meditation spot in the back yard.
28. rebuild my collection of sark books.
29. attend a sark event.
30. write a new book i'm thinking about. non-fic this time.
31. give a weekly contribution to my church.
32. give an annual contribution to a cause i deem worthy.
33. recover the songs i wrote that i lost on my old computer.
34. visit aunt kay once a month.
35. lead a creativity or inspiration workshop.
36. write a bio to accompany website and other internet postings for said creativity/inspiration workshop when i prepare it.
37. write gratitudes daily.
38. keep morning pages every day.
39. learn photoshop.
40. take a yoga class.
41. go back to school.
42. attend new york football giants' training camp.
43. attend a new york football giants' game at the new stadium (carrie if i come to a steelers game w/you you're coming to a giants game w/me...deal?)
44. go to lexington for final four weekend if uk makes the final four
45. finish my novel.
46. self-publish said novel.
47. win nanowrimo again.
48. plan a playdate with jess.
49. plan a playdate with tressa.
50. plan a playdate with earl.
51. plan a playdate with gail.
52. plan a playdate with joann.
53. plan a playdate with merideth.
54. get my guitar fixed.
55. find a local drumming circle.
56. buy a drum.
57. send regular snail mail.
58. get phone service where i can call the us and canada for a flat rate.
59. become fluent in another language.
60. get all my christmas decorations up by the day after thanksgiving.
61. drink more water.
62. get my pilots' license.
63. memorize the gettysburg address.
64. memorize my three favorite poems.
65. memorize the declaration of independence.
66. learn which constitutional amendment grants which freedom (if i'm going to be indignant about terrorists trying to thwart the american way, i'd better at least know what the american way is, n'est-ce pas?)
67. visit a national park.
68. make my great-grandmother's cinnamon roll recipe.
69. finish the knit/crochet projects i started for christmas presents for last year.
70. take weekly spa showers.
71. learn to sew.
72. spend quiet time working on songwriting.
73. write more music.
74. do arrangements for my octet.
75. practice radical acceptance of myself as i am.
76. memorize the sigma alpha iota symphony.
77. join the uk alumni association.
78. join a sigma alpha iota alumnae chapter.
79. join acda.
80. join dona.
81. work on becoming a certified birth doula.
82. practice emotion regulation.
83. do something everyday off the pleasant activities list.
84. create a self-soothe kit.
85. bake all the christmas cookies i want to in time for christmas.
86. keep trying new recipes.
87. stay active every mary kay quarter.
88. attend mary kay seminar in dallas.
89. do a weekly artist date.
90. keep full ink cartridges in my printer.
91. establish an adult choir at my church.
92. create an image journal.
93. establish a routine of regular exercise.
94. crochet or knit daily.
95. visit the corning museum of glass.
96. take anna and melanie to the strong museum in rochester.
97. visit the corning/corelleware store in corning.
98. try new local restaurants.
99. stop relying on meds to help me sleep.
100. practice keeping a positive outlook.
101. reconnect with ned b. fleischer.
102. rebuild my collection of sheet music.
103. take a glider ride at harris hill.
104. stop acting out of fear.
105. stop living in fear.
106. master knitting socks. (maybe wooden needles will help.)

100 dreams...

2010-01-01T15:56:00.000-08:00

100 dreams?! Really?!

Hehe it's a challenge from my friend Andrea.

http://www.abccreativity.com/2010/01/01/creating-dreams-come-true-beginning-a-creative-adventre/

I'm doing this online workshop with her.

She challenged us to come up with 100 dreams to get us in the habit of dreaming big!

I'll be back to post my list on Sunday...I'm going to ruminate on this and write them down with pen and paper first.

more later...

love~
elizabeth

if she got really quiet and listened, new parts of her wanted to speak...

2009-10-19T04:29:00.001-07:00

wow.

an idea for a new creative dream just came to me.

but it's so huge that i feel like it's going to swallow me right now.

holy mackerel.

a women's creativity retreat house AND day spa.

or maybe just a women's creativity retreat house where i do mk facials, we have a sauna, pool, and hot tub, and we just hire a massage therapist to come in once in a while...

my husband could help build it.

a rural location on keuka or cayuga or seneca lake... (the finger lakes)

room for up to 75...

a meeting room (or a couple)

a kitchen

beautiful cabins overlooking the lake

ohhhh it's coming into view...i need to start imaging this right away.

more later...

love~
elizabeth

melanie's starting to learn colors!

2009-07-25T13:00:00.000-07:00

ok, well, she said "blue," and she identified a couple of other blue things in her toybox beside her bunny, which may or may not have been an accident.

but still...she's almost big enough to play "i spy" with!!!!!

she helped me sort boxes in the bedroom today. we found a couple of tiny stuffed dogs (she called them "goggies") and she adored them.

now, we've just gotten her toy bucket out again for the first time in a couple of months (she just had 2-3 toys in her playpen that she played with) and i think they were kind of like catnip because she pulled them out and examined them and now she's kind of blissed out on the floor...

i love being a mom...

love~
me

pa/ny state legislators...

2009-06-29T19:29:00.001-07:00

DO YOUR FRICKING JOBS!

god, all this political posturing is pissing me off.

the pennsylvania state budget is due tomorrow.

if it doesn't pass on time, state employees (rank-and-file ones, of course, not the legislators themselves) might be forced to work without pay. when i think of my sister and cousin, both of whom are rank-and-file state employees, and their salaries suddenly being cut to zero, i see red. GAH! it makes me so mad!

and the senators in the NYS senate can't fucking get along! wtf? are we adults? or are we 3 and don't want to share our toys? no work has gotten done in the state senate for like 2 weeks because people can't decide if they're republicans or democrats and they're fighting over who's going to have the majority. one guy was a democrat, said he wanted to jump ship and be a republican instead, and then flopped back, and is a democrat now, which ties Rs and Ds at 31 each. so now it's a bunch of hand-wringing and "oh, no, what are we going to do? who's going to break tie votes?" grow a set and vote the way your constituents ask you to rather than sticking to the party line! GAH!

personally, i think legislators who don't pass budgets on time should be forced to give up their salaries and that money should be used to run the state until they can stop dicking around and DO THEIR DAMN JOBS!

and with this BS that's going on in NY, my husband says that all the legislators should be fired.

i think they should at least not be allowed to run for re-election.

hehe but they'd have to pass legislation for that to happen...and who's going to pass legislation that tells them they could lose their jobs?

maybe they should be fired.

maybe i should start a grass-roots campaign to vote out the incumbents who are wasting my time and tax dollars.

more later...

elizabeth

this oughta be a fun post LOL

2009-06-16T22:15:00.000-07:00

omg i am so tired.

i don't know why. i took a nap today.

but i did have to get up after less sleep than i needed to go to group.
gotta love intensive outpatient therapy *eyeroll*

after therapy i went to my friend jennifer's. i bought her old spinning wheel off her :) :) :) i am SO EXCITED. i can MAKE MY OWN YARN!!!!!!!

i can learn how to hand-dye it...hand-spin it, ply it...

and then MAKE STUFF OUT OF IT!!!!!!

craziness.

AND...
i finished the bag part of my totebag today. i just need to put the strap on it tomorrow and then it will be ready to be listed!!!!!!!

which is good, because i'm down to one item in my listing stash. oh, the horror.

i've decided that i really need two days to work on non-selling projects because they're really starting to pile up. christmas is coming...so a lot of the things i want to make for gifts i'm gonna need to get started on. plus i have to make two more chemo caps for beth, and finish the afghan i'm working on for my niece...so sun, mon, wed, fri, and sat are my working days. tue and thurs i'm working on non-selling stuff.

i put a bid in for a $300 commission to make all-purpose totebags for a girl in washington state...send out some good vibes that i'll get that :)

more later~
love~
elizabeth

i hurt...

2009-06-14T21:58:00.000-07:00

...physically. i swear if there is something potentially dangerous within 500 miles of my daughter, she will find it, and try to eat it.

tonight, a thumbtack (?!) found its way into her crib, and i noticed it after bathtime, when i was reading her the eighth chapter of harry potter and the sorcerer's stone. i'm sitting in my husband's computer chair at the time. i find the tack, can't reach it, drag it closer with her blanket, pull the blanket up, and cannot find it. so i pull the blanket out of the crib and shake it. no thumbtack falls out. so i'm looking for the thumbtack on the floor, and...

CRACK!
SNAP!
CRASH!
HOWLING SCREAM!

the arm broke off the chair (i TOLD my husband not to put arms on this chair...he put it together from two chairs we had, and we got rid of the other one), fell to the floor, and i fell. i scraped my arm from my elbow to my shoulder on the computer desk. and i...sort of ended up sideways on the chair, the side of the chair splitting me in a place i did not need to be split...at least, not by a chair... and was certainly NOT COMFORTABLE.

so my arm, ahem, area, back, and left hip are all really sore. motrin is going to be my friend before i go to bed.

i made a new dishcloth today...and i LOVE IT. it's my favorite pattern so far. pics to come tomorrow, and i'll be listing it later in the week.

i decided to make a schedule for my work.

sunday is the day that i make sure i have seven items to list for the week.
monday is the day i work on non-selling projects (a chemo cap for a friend with cancer, and more work on the afghan i'm making my niece to take to college, for example, is what i'll be doing tomorrow...er, later today. i really didn't want to stay up this late.)

but...work calls.

more later~
love~
elizabeth

oh and...

2009-06-12T20:43:00.001-07:00

here's a pic of the new stuff i've recently listed.

i'm getting excited again...

2009-06-12T20:17:00.001-07:00

gotta love the wild mood swings that accompany borderline personality disorder HA! (think alf there)

anywho, i reached an etsy milestone today...i have TEN hearts!!!!!!! that means 10 people have put my shop in their favorite shops! whoo-hoo!

and i'm getting close to a twitter milestone...200 followers! i do get a lot of views when i post a link to a new item...so maybe it'll lead to a sale.

i started offering items with free shipping. maybe that will help.

our yard/yart sale is tomorrow and i should probably be in bed. i need to get up at 5:00.

more later...
love~
elizabeth

i've been sick

2009-06-11T12:14:00.000-07:00

ugh. i have been letting my depression really get me down this week and almost landed in the hospital. but the good news is, i've been listing something every day. last night while dad, john, and melanie were gone to the pioneers' game, i made four pair of earrings, one cranberry, one pink, one rainbow variegated, and one (crap i know i made four and i'm not looking at them right now...) red. the fourth pair was red. i still need to weave in the yarn ends, secure them with a dot of hot glue, and put in the pearls/pins/backs. i'll work on that after i get done updating y'all :D

but the good news in all of this is that our yard sale (part yard, part yart) is saturday, and i'm hoping to sell some crocheted, some mary kay, and ALL the sale items. we got signs today (thank you $30 scratchoff ticket) and i'm gonna put them up tomorrow. it's supposed to freaking rain again tomorrow so we won't be able to even bring the stuff over until saturday. BLOWS!

i also FINALLY got my printer hooked up to my laptop...so when i get my business card designs i can actually PRINT THEM!

yay!

more later~
love~
elizabeth

ps~ i know i haven't been doing shop of the day lately...i'll get back to that starting monday I PROMISE!!!!!

finally, a new item...

2009-06-09T16:43:00.000-07:00

i listed a pair of earrings in my shop today.

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=26244096

otherwise, it's been a very trying day. my therapist almost refused to let me go home from therapy because i admitted i had suicidal thoughts on sunday night after my father-in-law yelled at me about over-using the electricity when i have insomnia.

today, i find out (he tells my husband) that he doesn't really care about the utilities, he just can't sleep when there's activity going on in here. which i can totally respect, albeit not understand.

i finally convince my therapist that i'm not going to hurt myself when i go home, and she calls my husband to come down and get me because i'm in no condition to drive. from now on i'm going to make him drive me. i'm getting worse instead of better. but i don't deserve ssi according to the ssa...

anyway, i'm working on stuff that takes multiple days, but i'm going to keep making a pair of earrings per day while i work on the other stuff, so that i can get an item listed every day.

more later...
love~
elizabeth

sigh bit of a gloomy gracie today :(

2009-06-05T15:47:00.001-07:00

Today I'm working on a potholder to match the three dishcloths I've made this week. We're having a birthday party for my daughter (her first birthday was May 19) tomorrow, so things are super busy. A lot of seasoned Etsians are suggesting we newbies re-list our items if we aren't getting good sales. Well, I really can't afford to do that. I can only afford to list items once, and hope that as I list new ones, shoppers will want to look at the rest of the shop.

I followed some suggestions from an e-mail I got yesterday about twittering. I'm following people like crazy, hoping for more followers so that I can tweet about the shop. (it's http://twitter.com/succulentdiva if you're interested btw).

I'm hoping to have the new kitchen set (3 dishcloths and 2 potholders) finished and listed by the end of the day on Monday. And I'm going to try to start posting pictures of my works in progress.

My husband has been cleaning up all my supplies in preparation for Melanie's party tomorrow. It was driving me so crazy I was tempted to tell him to just throw the whole lot of it out. Anxiety was ready to consume me. OMG I wanted to self-harm so badly. But I didn't. And now the anxiety is beginning to wane. Everything is finished and put away.

My brother will be here tomorrow – the ONLY person from my side of the family to attend my daughter's first birthday party – fine. I am so mad at the rest of them. Although in a sense, I don't blame them. I did cut them off for three years. But that doesn't mean that I stopped loving them. I did what I had to do to keep myself safe at the time. Their criticism was threatening to swallow me whole. It was almost literally a life-and-death situation. With the problems I'm having with anxiety, especially this week, it's kind of a good thing that a bunch of them aren't coming.

I just checked my shop...no new views on my items. Bleah. :(

more later...
love~
elizabeth

new feature!!!!!!! and daily news LOL

2009-06-04T14:29:00.001-07:00

i am very excited to launch a new feature today.

as my readers know, i recently opened a shop featuring my crocheted wares via etsy.com. well, i have come into contact with so many amazing artists, that i have decided to feature an "etsy shop of the day."

today i want to feature sarah at http://origamiboutique.etsy.com

she designs the most beautiful cards and flyers! she actually incorporated some of my work into the design she made for me. i have checked out the other stuff in her shop and it's beautiful. check her out!

As for actual work today, heh. four months ago, i applied for ssdi and ssi due to my depression and anxiety. and borderline personality disorder. on may 19 (my daughter's first birthday, i might add), i got a letter saying my claim had been disapproved. (denied...i could hear suze orman's voice echoing in my head LOL) so today, i met with a legal aid lawyer regarding the claim. it was grueling. we had to fill out form after form after form and then i had to tell him why i thought i couldn't work. i was thoroughly exhausted after we got done.

11:07 PM update...i finished the dishcloth and will probably do one round on the purple totebag i'm working on before i go to bed. i have my fiber arts group tomorrow.

hey my shop has a facebook page! become a fan at http://www.facebook.com/pages/Vibrant-Crochet-Art/82659759524?ref=mf

more later...
love~
elizabeth

mental health is kicking my butt...

2009-06-02T10:44:00.001-07:00

...and interfering w/my work. i'm anxious through the roof, and haven't been able to concentrate on patterns. i did get one strip of a dishcloth done yesterday (i'm working on another set...the 3 dishcloth/2 potholder one and i have one dishcloth done, minus weaving in the tails so far). i also did a round on the kick-ass totebag i'm working on!

in the future, i'd like to feature a "shop of the day." i'm having great fun on the etsy forums...it's wild and woolly over there -- literally!

more later...
love~
elizabeth

friday 5 and ? for sarkies...

2009-05-31T14:48:00.000-07:00

Here are Friday, May 29th's Friday 5. I am, as always, indebted to the creative souls at www.friday5.org

1. What is the longest you’ve gone between haircuts? nine months or so i think
2. What is the shortest hour of the day? aren't they all 60 minutes?
3. What is the longest line you’ve ever stood in? probably for midnight aka big blue madness @ uk
4. Who’s your shortest adult friend? courtney, i think
5. Who among your current friends have you known the longest? pete...we've known each other since we were four.

is anyone from sarkforum following me? have they taken the site down to do the upgrade? i'm getting that "no suitable nodes" message.

(wtf is a node anyway?"

more later...
love~
elizabeth

rough day or two, but getting better :)

2009-05-31T11:06:00.000-07:00

the reason that i have so much trouble holding down a stereotypical "job" is because i have depression and borderline personality disorder. and yesterday was a really rough day.

i felt triggered all day. i wanted to cut, and had suicidal thoughts, and couldn't sleep. the thing is, when i go to bed, all i do is lay there and catastrophize. i ended up not getting to bed until 5:30. i turned off the lights and the sun was starting to come up.

i woke up this morning feeling much the same as i had when i went to bed, but then i joined a team of etsians who are based out of rochester. their stuff is AMAZING!!!!!!! use the tag RNEST when you're looking for stuff on etsy...this stuff is beautiful!!!

it motivated me to get off the damn computer and work on the totebag i'm making...you see me working on it don't you? rotflmao

facebook is all foccacta today...

and i'm getting music for the trip to nyc!

more later...
love~
elizabeth

Open for Business!

2009-05-30T08:42:00.000-07:00

I finally opened my etsy.com store last night! I'm on a tenuous internet connection here at best, so it took a VERY long time. So far, I have five items listed. A set of coasters, a kitchen set (3 dishcloths and 2 potholders), my dishcloths, and a set of potholders are up there. So if you wander by this bliggity blog...please stop by. The site address is http://vibrantcrochetart.etsy.com

More later...

Love~

Elizabeth

yay a more succulent post!

2009-05-28T10:15:00.000-07:00

today i'm setting up my ETSY store! woot! i'll be selling crocheted and knitted items. right now i'm working on a totebag. it's purple and so so pretty. but i also have some single dishcloths, a set of two potholders, and a kitchen set of three dishcloths and two potholders. i have a lot of yarn to use. i am so excited to get the shop set up!

more later
love~
elizabeth

jeopardy prep: day 3

2009-05-22T14:11:00.000-07:00

i'm going to have to make this quick since the library is closing in 15 minutes.

but...got a jeopardy! book from the library

and ordered the ken jennings trivia almanac from b&n.

found a pattern for an outfit i want john to make me for the audition...

more later...
elizabeth