catch-up, part deux

well, i took some of my affirmations and wrote them in my datebook. (i like that; it's a good reminder; and it will help me remember to check my calendar!!!!!) this was assignment #5.

and assignment #6 was creating space for your dreams.

we have recently gone through our bedroom and opened up a LOT of room. we got new nightstands, and my partner took some of the bookshelves and put them on top of the new nightstands. that opened up some wall space. we cleaned off the dresser. it is really starting to feel peace*full instead of cluttered in there.

the next assignment was to have some kind of adventure.

we're having one april 17 so i'll report back then :)

after that, we had "what do your creative dreams need?" week

and i think they need me to ask for what i need.

and not be willing to stop at the first no.

i had an appointment with my voc rehab counselor this past week. and i was watching this episode of the office last night where jim and pam had their baby. this one nurse wanted to take the baby to the nursery and give her a bottle because pam was having trouble getting her to latch to breastfeed and pam said, "no, please don't give her a bottle, i don't want her to have nipple confusion." the nurse actually rolled her eyes, and said very sarcastically, "oh good. you know everything." and that's how i feel like i'm being treated by my VR counselor. i went in and told her all about how happy i've been in my little fledgling studio, and how i want to start teaching musikgarten classes to round out my teaching schedule and build it up to full-time income. as soon as i mentioned there was additional training involved, she shut me down, said that they wouldn't be able to do anything to help me with that, and that they would only be able to do something related to my bachelor's degree and my marketable skills. something either in tutoring or secretarial work.

now secretarial work is all well and good. i've done it; i've even enjoyed it. however, it doesn't make every fiber of my being hum and thrum like this one-on-one teaching does. (the musikgarten will be teaching to small groups but still...)

well, i went to my group on thursday, and my group leader suggested that i contact someone higher up at voc rehab to see if i could get some more help. they have a client assistance program, so i called our regional office. i left a message and got a call back a couple hours later. the man i spoke to is going to refer my message to the appropriate person and to expect a call around tuesday to discuss what the next step might be.

i am working so hard on not being afraid to ask for what i need.

so that's the news from here on that score.

the next assignment was on commitment. andrea asked these three questions.

* are you committed to living your dreams? YES! this feels like the right path more than anything i've ever done!

* can you see a way of becoming even more committed to living your dreams? not right now, but i will write this question into my datebook and my journal and see if i can't find a way!

* do you have any commitments that are draining you? therapy and my groups drain me, but one group is finishing up in another month or so. i'm starting another one this week, which means i'll have to give up my regular thursday group. but hope*fully this one won't last too long. and besides, this is really important. i actually had a bit of a backslide last week so it's good that i'm sticking to this.

yay! i'm caught up!!!!!!!

love~
elizabeth

catching up with creative dreams come true, part 1

well, the third assignment was a guided video meditation.

for my meditations, i prefer to use the rosary or basic maitri (loving-kindness) meditation.

i didn't write about it, but especially when i use the maitri meditation, i feel my consciousness expanding and opening to greater and greater possibility.

(watching the biggest loser and the ncaa men's basketball tournament help me believe that anything is possible too.)

and the fourth assignment was to create power*full, personalized affirmations.

i struggled with this.

i have tried to use affirmations in the past. and i haven't found them particularly help*full.

but i came up with these four.

i now make a full-time income from my teaching.

i willingly accept the responsibility to be a good steward of all my resources.

i love my work.

i care about my work so much that i am always willing to go the extra mile to make it even more enjoyable.

still working...

love~
elizabeth

outrage and action

in describing myself, i fit into several groups that people might call "discriminated against."

i'm poor.
i have a mental illness (but the days that i let it have me are getting fewer and farther between).
i'm a woman.
(I had thought of a few more, but darned if I can remember them now).
finally, i'm fat.

there's a lot of stigma associated with three out of four of these (thank*fully, there isn't so much social stigma associated with being a woman anymore, although there is still discrimination). and lately, i'm choosing to focus on my fat and accepting myself right now as i am (doing so and potentially changing myself are not mutually exclusive). and as i do so, i'm getting mad.

film director kevin smith (clerks, mallrats, chasing amy, dogma, jersey girl, jay and silent bob strike back, clerks ii, copout) was recently asked to deboard a southwest airlines flight because of his size. i was aware that southwest had a policy that said that if a passenger needed a seat belt extender or the arm rests wouldn't come down, that the passenger would need to pay for two seats. but to allow him to be seated and then come and ask him to leave the plane is degrading. i have not flown southwest since they announced that they would be strictly enforcing this policy back in 2002 due to fear of being forced to pay for another seat when i showed up at the airport. (and i'm sure that they'd force a person to pay for a last-minute fare too.)

for some reason, i felt really outraged about this kevin smith story. it was like the last straw for me. i know that for most people, myself included, that my weight is something that is within my control. however, it didn't come on overnight, and it's not going to come off overnight. in the meantime, i'd like to be treated as a person, please. as the kevin smith story broke, on the different news sites where i read the story, some of the comments were absolutely hate*full. nobody deserves to be spoken to or about that way. they could pretty be much summed up as, "quit whining, suck it up and lose weight, fatty."

the thing is, although the physical causes of weight gain, too much calorie intake and not enough calories burned, are within our control, there are often underlying emotional and mental issues that can be crippling for overweight people. the media bombards us with messages that thinness is sooooooooooo much better than fatness. fat=worthless. fat=lazy. it's socially acceptable to say all kinds of hateful things about fat people and have it be funny. the western world HATES fat people. so it's no wonder that fat people hate themselves, then turn to food for comfort, then get fatter, then hate themselves worse and perpetuate a cycle. it takes a long time and a lot of therapy to break that cycle. those issues of self-esteem and food addiction need to be treated before an overweight or obese person can start taking off the weight. i can feel a thin person inside of me trying to get out. i starve myself. i overexercise to the point where i'm in pain for days. i drink so much water sometimes that i spend half my day in the bathroom. i deny myself the foods i love. and then i binge. and then i think, "why bother exercising?" and i switch from water to coke. and i gain weight.

it is horrifically embarrassing to...
have to tell your friend that you can't ride with them because you can't buckle your seat belt in their car.
wait in line for an amusement park ride only to find out that the safety restraints won't fit you.
try on clothes in a store where even the biggest sizes won't fit (thank god for you, lane bryant, fashion bug, and avenue, for your extended sizes! and thank god for online shopping!)
get so sweaty getting dressed after your shower that you might as well not even have bothered taking a shower in the first place.
chafe in places i'd rather not talk about, and so badly i can barely walk. and to have your partner blowdry those places after you take a shower so they don't chafe.
have to walk out of a free movie at a movie theater because i couldn't fit into the theater seats
ask a flight attendant for a seat belt extender.

not to mention that it's inconvenient to...
not be able to keep up with my friends when i walk.
not be able to take the stairs because it hurts my knees so bad.
not be able to stand up for more than about five minutes because my back hurts so bad.
not have enough energy to complete a task because i'm dragging around about two hundred pounds more than everyone else i know.

i know i'm fat. i don't need to be reminded by either well-meaning or just plain mean people of my size. and i'm sick of being the butt of jokes, even though i would participate in them and laugh at them to try to fit in. i don't need to be kept out of the running for a job. if i get a brain tumor, i deserve to be able to have an mri. i deserve not to have doctors give up on me because of my obesity. lose 30 pounds is not the cure for everything.

so from now on, you can consider me a fat activist for fat acceptance. maybe someday i'll be a thin activist for fat acceptance. but for now...

i'm joining the national association for the advancement of fat acceptance. i want to go to their conference in san francisco in august.

want to support me? don't make fat jokes.
don't admonish overweight people around you to lose weight.
if you end up next to an overweight or obese person on a bus, plane, or train, treat them kindly. they're aware that they're taking up some of your space, and they probably feel very badly about it.
support the activities of the national association for the advancement of fat acceptance, and the council on size and weight discrimination.
don't assume that an overweight person can't do what you need them to do. treat them like a regular person and ask for what you need. if they can't do it, they'll let you know.

elijah nist

tomorrow on the 6:00 news here, the channel that my in-laws watch the news on is going to show an interview with the family of elijah nist.

elijah was an 8-year-old boy who lived nearby (not super close, but in my area). a couple of months ago, he passed away following complications from the h1n1 swine flu.

i plan to hole up in my room with a dvd (or deedle-dee as my daughter calls them) because just thinking about it, just typing this blog entry, i'm about to start bawling.

elijah was sick for a long time. i believe he spent at least a month in strong memorial hospital in rochester. the whole region was praying that he would pull through, and even the week before he died seemed to be showing some improvement.

in a preview for the interview, the station shows his mom saying that she misses his hugs, that he used to spontaneously just come up and hug her.

in that respect, he reminds me of my little brother.

when my brother was a little younger than that, even through that age, he would be sitting playing on the floor, and then just all of a sudden look up at one of us and tell us he loved us.

that stopped after my dad died. i miss it.

more later...
love~
elizabeth

dreams from the inside out.

this is my health ~

Intention: I move my body joy*fully; I grate*fully eat health*full, nourishing foods; I sleep deeply and well at night without the use of medication and wake feeling refreshed; I have plenty of energy to get through the entire day without napping.

Go to Aquacise and yoga at least once a week each
Continue to follow the Carbohydrate Addicts' Diet with the knowledge that it is what is best for my body.
Ask my doctors about the use of Valerian vs. Ambien/Vistaril
Continue to practice loving-kindness meditation and relaxation exercises.
Use my dialectical behavior therapy skills to cope with distress and regulate my emotions.


these are my relationships:

Intention: I enjoy loving, warm relationships with my family and friends, where it is safe to communicate openly and honestly while speaking words that build, bless, and comfort

Continue to work toward couples' therapy at Family Services
Continue to teach my daughter behaviors that will enable her to fully function and be happy as a child and into her adulthood
Encourage my husband to continue his therapy without taking responsibility for his appointments
Write more snail mail.
Use my dialectical behavior therapy skills to communicate honestly while speaking words that build, bless, and comfort.

this is my abundance:

Intention: I enjoy abundant love, abundant resources, and abundant finances.

Look for a part-time job
Build a savings
Communicate honestly
Practice loving-kindness meditation and radiate love.
Advertise for piano students.

this is my creativity/purpose:

Intention: I connect often with the divine within myself, and enjoy my creativity and my work.

Develop creativity and inspirational workshops.
Devote myself to the study of becoming a birth doula, nursing, and midwifery.
Write a creativity and inspirational workshop to be presented at the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship this summer.
Get my study materials for becoming a DONA member and birth doula as soon as I can afford them and study and work hard.
Begin my classes for nursing in June.
Continue to cultivate my spirituality.

this is how i practice self-love/self-care:

Intention: It is safe to live my life in a way that is loving and caring toward myself.

Do a weekly artist date.
Practice loving-kindness meditation.
Take my medications and make sure I don't run out.
Keep working toward eating in a balanced way.
Keep working toward regular exercise.

this is how i experience happiness/adventure:

Intention: I experience happiness and adventure grate*fully, and I enjoy the present moment.

Practice mind*fullness
Practice mind*fullness
Practice mind*fullness
Stay present in the moment when I am feeling happy rather than waiting for the other shoe to drop.

meditation practice

well, one of the things on my 100+ dream list that i did two weeks ago was develop a consistent meditation practice.

now i'm sure that someone i know told me about this long long ago because she actually changed her name to this. but i'm not really GETTING it until now.

i went on my library website and put every book i could find about meditation and mind*fullness on hold. i actually got a snippy message from the library.

"elizabeth, you have thirteen books on hold here at the library and we don't have an abundance of room on our shelves to keep that many books for one person so would you please come pick them up?"

but then when i did go to pick them up they said that i was not the first one that had gone buck nutty putting books on hold on their websight before. so then i felt better.

anyway, one of the books is about loving-kindness, or maitri, meditation. and i actually have a friend who changed her name to maitri, so i know she has told me and the online community in which i met her about it before.

but i actually started it practicing it last night and it actually works for me.

it decreases my anxiety.

it helps me feel more relaxed.

i still did have some insomnia last night and got up after trying to fall asleep for a while. but usually when i get up i'm up for hours. last night i was only up for about 30 minutes.

so it's working.

and it just makes me feel so...GOOD.

full of love...and kindness. go figure, since it's loving-kindness meditation and all...

more later and this week's assignment percolating~
elizabeth

Dreams Come True

So this week, our assignment was to think about and record dreams that have come true in our lives. Thinking about it, the fulfillment of one small dream influenced all the other dreams I ever had.

The first thing that came to my mind was I got married and had a family.
I got into and graduated from college.
When I was little, my big dream was to become an opera singer.

And there were a lot of little dreams along the way, stepping stones along the way to the big dream of becoming an opera singer.
Auditions I would succeed at, etc.

I got into the summer rec productions of Grease and the Music Man in high school (The Music Man, to this day, remains my favorite musical).

I got into select chorus in high school.

And then, I got into a show called Melodies of Christmas my sophomore year in high school. The show is performed by the Empire State Youth Orchestra and Empire State Youth Chorale (I was in Chorale). I had always admired the show, a fundraiser for the pediatric oncology unit at the Albany Medical Center. I had always wanted to go see it. And it was broadcast on local TV!

I remember getting the letter and screaming and jumping around the post office. It was the day of our homecoming pep rally.

And when I really think back about it, that one dream come true is the one that most greatly influenced my life!

It was there that I met my best friend, and my daughter's godmother.

It was there that I found out about the New York State Summer School of the Arts, and when my voice teacher brought the auditions to my attention, I immediately applied, auditioned, and, the summer after my junior year, was accepted.

Once I got into NYSSSA, things really started happening.

I met a professor there named Everett McCorvey, and was immediately greatly impressed by him. He was so knowledgeable, and had such enthusiasm, and had such great rapport with us kids. In a panel discussion that the instructors did on careers in music, I found out that Dr. McCorvey had done his training at the University of Alabama.

Well, I raved about him to my parents.

My dad said, "Did you say he went to the University of Alabama?"

I said, "Yes."

He said, "Well, get back down there and find out if he knew your Uncle Bill!"

Uncle Bill was my father's first wife's uncle, the youngest brother of my third grandma, Grandma Topley. Uncle Bill and his wife, Aunt Belle, had been to visit us several times in my youth when they were up from Tuscaloosa. Uncle Bill had been the head of the music department at Alabama for many, many years.

So I asked Doc if he had known Uncle Bill, and he said, "You know Bill Steven?"

"He was my great-uncle," I said.

Turns out it was Bill Steven who had convinced a young Everett McCorvey to change his major from baritone horn to voice.

Dr. McCorvey was now on the faculty at the University of Kentucky.

Not 30 days after I got home from NYSSSA, I had a huge packet of information from UK. "Dr. Everett McCorvey, with whom you studied at the New York State Summer School of the Arts, recommended that we send you this information," the cover letter said.

That fall, I made a list of schools I wanted to audition for.

"Where is that Dr. McCorvey?" my father asked me. "I liked him."

"The University of Kentucky," I said.

"You should put that on your list. You gotta go where you got the in's," he said.

So I put UK on my list, along with six other schools. My parents said I had to narrow it down to five. So I crossed out the one with the highest application fee and the one with the strictest audition requirements.

UK made the short list.

And, as Dad and I traveled to my different audition sites we were gradually narrowing down the list.

Hartt and Crane, I didn't get enough financial aid.
Shenandoah, the auditions were so disorganized, I was thoroughly disgusted.
Eastman, I didn't get in (but I didn't like it once I got there anyway; I know that sounds like sour grapes, but I really didn't feel like I fit in there).

So in a way, the decision was made for me. Kentucky, it was.

And I fell in love with Lexington, so, several years after I graduated, I moved back.

And it was there that I met my husband, who gave me my child...